Reason To Live

The apartment was torn apart and Nikita was exhausted. She still didn't have any furniture, so she had to sit on the floor. She looked around at the apartment and sighed. It was still too familar. She wanted it to look different so it wouldn't remind her of before. Before she escaped, before she figured out that she loved Michael, before she had come back.

She could still picture him standing there telling her to get rid of her cat. There were so many memories here and all she wanted was to forget. She had to leave. Maybe she would go back to Section, sleep in her quarters there. 'Maybe you will run into Micheal' the voice in her head whispered. She pushed that thought away and picked up her keys, pausing at the door to look back one more time.

He stood there expressionless wishing Nikita was there. As if his wish were granted, she came walking into the training area. She didn't seem to see him, so he took a few precious moments to look at her.

She actually looked almost happy. She was smiling at something an operative had said as she passed. Just then, she locked eyes with him, and he turned quickly back to his recruits. He didn't want her to see the darkness that was threatening to swallow him.

Even with her there, it was harder and harder to keep the black waves from drowning him. When he looked back at the recruits, they had stopped sparring and were looking at him and Nikita. "Get back to work" he said quietly.

They didn't argue with him. He stood in silence as they practice once more. But he wasn't really there, but somewhere else. The blackness had swallowed him.

He stood still for a few seconds, then fell. He didn't hear the recruits yelling for help. He didn't hear Nikita screaming for him not to die as he ceased to breathe. Micheal was giving up, because he didn't have anything to live for. Nikita didn't love him.

When Micheal opened his eyes, he couldn't focus on anything. He could hear a heart monitor, but it seemed distant. He felt too tired to even think. He slowly closed his eyes, but not before squeezing the hand holding his gently.

Nikita lay sleeping next to Micheal's bed. She hadn't left his side for fear that he might give up again. She had been talking to another operative when someone started yelling for a doctor. She had rushed over, and nearly fainted seeing him lying in a heap on the floor. She shoved the crowd that was gathering away and kneeled beside him, begging him to wake up and cradling his head in her arms. Then she saw he had stopped breathing. They had to put him on a respirator.

Her head snapped up suddenly as she felt his hand tighten around hers. She stood up and looked at him. His eyes were still closed, but he was trying to breath on his own. She gently brushed a strand of hair out of his eyes. She kissed him gently on the cheek before she ran to tell his doctor that he had come out of the self-created coma.

When Micheal awoke again, there were people all around him. Med-lab doctors in white coats. He despised Med-lab as well as all the doctors there. He suddenly felt alone. Nikita wasn't where she had been. Nikita had left him. Or maybe he had only imagined her there. One of the doctors looked over and noticed that he was awake. He was a younger looking man that looked fresh out of med school. Instead of telling the others, he rushed out of the doors. Micheal sighed and waited, knowing that Madeline would be in soon. He was mentally preparing himself for the questions she would ask when the doors slid open and Nikita came in. She looked around at all the doctors and then her gaze rested upon him.

She smiled. He hadn't expected the feeling that assaulted him when he saw her. Love, hope. Things very unfamilar to him. He smiled weakly when she walked over to him. She grabbed his hand and clutched it to her heart.

"I thought I had lost you for a while there" she said. Before he could respond she turned to the doctors and told them to leave, after a little pushing and a few threats, they were gone. She turned back to him and smiled again. Then she did something he never expected. She kissed him. Not passionately, but softly. The kiss was full of promise. Promising what would come. Promising the love she felt for him. Promising trust. Then she left him to rest. He drifted off to sleep, still feeling the pressure of her lips on his.

It had taken days for the med-lab doctors to finish the poking and prodding and leave him alone to think. When they finnally did, he couldn't. Just as he was about to slip off into dreams of Nikita, the doors to his room slipped open and Madeline walked in. She looked at him and smiled.

"I will decide that." she looked straight into his eyes for a long time then turned away. "When you are ready to talk, tell me. Until then you must stay here."

"Perhaps it is not me you need to talk with. But I am afraid that Nikita is on a mission. She won't be back for three more days.'' she said, trying to gauge his reaction.

Nikita fell back into the mobile-com van exhausted. Birkoff was still typing into his computer as the rest of the weary team filed into the van behind her.

A few seconds later the van rocked as the explosives they set went off. She looked at the driver and told him to go. She wanted desperately to get back to Section. She was worried about Micheal.

Debriefing took unusually long, and Nikita suspected there was a reason, but she didn't push. When she was let out, she turned to head back to med-lab when she noticed light peaking out from under the door of Micheal's office. She quickly walked over and walked in. Micheal was sitting there staring at his computer.

For a second, Nikita thought that the old Micheal was back, and she felt like he had just dismissed her. She looked down at the ground and stood up, when she looked up again, he was staring at her. Like he wanted to memorize her. He shut off his computer and stood up with her. He walked around his desk and to her until there was only a whisper of air left between them and she could feel his breath on her lips.

''I would love to'' she said, slightly breathless from his nearness, as he thread his fingers through hers. Without a sound, he stepped back and lead her by the hand out of his office and out of Section. The trainees turned and stared at them, but they didn't notice. They were taking turns staring at each other.

As they walked along the streets Nikita started to seriously regret not taking her jacket with her. It was freezing! When she had told Micheal she wanted to walk, she was somehow expecting someplace closer. Not three miles away. Just when she was about to drop a hint about maybe taking a cab the rest of the way, Micheal stopped in front of a door and opened it. She smiled gratefully and walked into the warmth of the building.

Since they had left his office, he had made no attempts to touch her and she was beginning to think that she had imagined the feeling she got whenever he stood close. But that thought vanished when he lead her to a table in the nearly crowdless restaurant, wrapping his arm around her and pulling her close. She placed her purse down but when she made a move to sit, he stopped her, instead taking her hand and leading her to the makeshift dancefloor set up near their table.

She lifted her head from his chest and looked into his eyes. "I love it'' she whispered and she stood on her toes to kiss him softly before walking back to their table.

He looked at her questioningly as she picked up her purse and took his hand. ''Take me home, Micheal'' her tone betraying her intentions.

When they arrived at her appartment, Nikita quietly resumed their dance, threading her fingers through his hair and pulling his mouth down to meet hers.

The next morning Micheal awoke early, and was unable to go back to sleep. Instead, he focused his attention on Nikita. Her head was facing his and she was asleep. As he watched her he gently stroked her blond hair out of her eyes. He wished he could stay with her, but he knew it wouldn't work.

He pulled on his clothes, trying to draw out his last moment with her like this, hoping she would wake up and tell him not to go, but she didn't wake up.

He could almost hear his heart shattering within his chest. He wanted to be with her so much it hurt, but he couldn't hurt her, and he knew his love would bring her only pain and death. He wouldn't be able to live with that knowing that his love couldn't be returned.

He looked back at her one last time and cried. He hoped she would find someone who could love her like she loved. He sighed once, then turned and walked out of the door.

Nikita rolled over in her sleep, reaching for him. When she realized he wasn't there she sat up. She could tell he had been here, but he had left. She suddenly felt alone and abandoned. She got up, wrapping the thin sheet around her, and walked down the stairs to her kitchen. There, on her counter, was a single rose and a note. Her name was neatly scrawled on the front in Micheal's unmistakeable handwriting. She opened it quickly scanning the letter he had written her. Tears poured down her face as she read it a second and third time, as if to make sure she wan't mistaken, then she ran to her bedroom, discarding the sheet and throwing on some clothes and running out the door.

Micheal stood at the top of the bridge overlooking the river. He had been standing there for 30 minutes, sorting out final thoughts. He looked over the edge of the railing into the rapids below. At least this way, he couldn't hurt the ones he loved anymore. He took a step forward and was about to climb up on the rail when he heard the last voice he expected to hear.

He turned slowly to face her. ''Leave Nikita, I don't want you to watch'' he said forcefully. He turned back to the rail. He stepped toward the edge.

"Please don't do this!'' she screamed, tears streaming down her face. She ran up next him, trying to look in his eyes and make him see her love. He was one step away from taking his life and her heart and she wasn't about to just stand there. But when her turned to face her one last time, she saw that he had shut himself off to her pleas.

She knew she had to do something, because she wasn't strong enough to stop him by force. With tears still streaming down her face she stepped up beside him, taking the same postion as him

"Fine, if you are taking the easy way out, so am I. We go together." She thought she heard a sound almost like a moan. She looked over at him again and saw tears streaming down his face mirroring the ones she had shed for him. Then she did something she hadn't done in years. She thanked God.

He looked back at the water and started backing away from it, as if afraid. His frantic eyes searched hers. He grabbed her and pulled her quickly away from the side of the bridge. "Why?" he whispered hoarsely.

''Because I love you!'' she laughed. She had thought he would have figured that out long ago. When she looked back into his eyes, she could see the doubt he held in them. She mentally slapped herself on the head, wishing she had seen it earlier. He had long ago stopped believing that anyone could care about him.

She placed her hands on either side of his face and kissed him softly on the lips. She pressed her cheek to his, mixing their tears together, then gathered him as close as she could, wrapping her arms around him as he sobbed.

"Why are you crying?" he asked as he pulled away from the death grip she had around his neck and wiping the tears away with his fingers.

As wind whispered past the couple on the beach, the priest performed a quiet ceremony, attended only by his wife and a flock of seagulls soaring overhead. When it was over, they kissed tenderly, then, thanking the priest for his discretion, they walked slowly down the beach, hand in hand, laughing with each other and holding onto the other like if they let go they would drown.

They watched the sun set as she tried to tame her blond hair in the ocean wind. They walked for hours talking about the future and the past. When all the light had left the sky and the black was thick around them, and they weren't afraid of it as they silently sank to the sand and lay together.

They made love like they had no definite tomorrow, and both of them realized that, it was a possible reality, but they cherished that fact that they had this day, and they would cherish each other after that with the same love as the one before.


	REASON TO LIVE BY: Kyara Caledonii Copyright January 6, 1998 The apartment was torn apart and Nikita was exhausted. She still didn't have any furniture, so she had to sit on the floor. She looked around at the apartment and sighed. It was still too familar. She wanted it to look different so it wouldn't remind her of before. Before she escaped, before she figured out that she loved Michael, before she had come back. She could still picture him standing there telling her to get rid of her cat. There were so many memories here and all she wanted was to forget. She had to leave. Maybe she would go back to Section, sleep in her quarters there. 'Maybe you will run into Micheal' the voice in her head whispered. She pushed that thought away and picked up her keys, pausing at the door to look back one more time. Micheal stood to the side as two recruits spared with each other, occasionally saying a word or two about technique. He stood there expressionless wishing Nikita was there. As if his wish were granted, she came walking into the training area. She didn't seem to see him, so he took a few precious moments to look at her. She actually looked almost happy. She was smiling at something an operative had said as she passed. Just then, she locked eyes with him, and he turned quickly back to his recruits. He didn't want her to see the darkness that was threatening to swallow him. Even with her there, it was harder and harder to keep the black waves from drowning him. When he looked back at the recruits, they had stopped sparring and were looking at him and Nikita. "Get back to work" he said quietly. They didn't argue with him. He stood in silence as they practice once more. But he wasn't really there, but somewhere else. The blackness had swallowed him. He stood still for a few seconds, then fell. He didn't hear the recruits yelling for help. He didn't hear Nikita screaming for him not to die as he ceased to breathe. Micheal was giving up, because he didn't have anything to live for. Nikita didn't love him. When Micheal opened his eyes, he couldn't focus on anything. He could hear a heart monitor, but it seemed distant. He felt too tired to even think. He slowly closed his eyes, but not before squeezing the hand holding his gently. Nikita lay sleeping next to Micheal's bed. She hadn't left his side for fear that he might give up again. She had been talking to another operative when someone started yelling for a doctor. She had rushed over, and nearly fainted seeing him lying in a heap on the floor. She shoved the crowd that was gathering away and kneeled beside him, begging him to wake up and cradling his head in her arms. Then she saw he had stopped breathing. They had to put him on a respirator. The doctors had given a thorough examination, but could find nothing wrong with him. It was like he had given up trying to live. Her head snapped up suddenly as she felt his hand tighten around hers. She stood up and looked at him. His eyes were still closed, but he was trying to breath on his own. She gently brushed a strand of hair out of his eyes. She kissed him gently on the cheek before she ran to tell his doctor that he had come out of the self-created coma. When Micheal awoke again, there were people all around him. Med-lab doctors in white coats. He despised Med-lab as well as all the doctors there. He suddenly felt alone. Nikita wasn't where she had been. Nikita had left him. Or maybe he had only imagined her there. One of the doctors looked over and noticed that he was awake. He was a younger looking man that looked fresh out of med school. Instead of telling the others, he rushed out of the doors. Micheal sighed and waited, knowing that Madeline would be in soon. He was mentally preparing himself for the questions she would ask when the doors slid open and Nikita came in. She looked around at all the doctors and then her gaze rested upon him. She smiled. He hadn't expected the feeling that assaulted him when he saw her. Love, hope. Things very unfamilar to him. He smiled weakly when she walked over to him. She grabbed his hand and clutched it to her heart. "I thought I had lost you for a while there" she said. Before he could respond she turned to the doctors and told them to leave, after a little pushing and a few threats, they were gone. She turned back to him and smiled again. Then she did something he never expected. She kissed him. Not passionately, but softly. The kiss was full of promise. Promising what would come. Promising the love she felt for him. Promising trust. Then she left him to rest. He drifted off to sleep, still feeling the pressure of her lips on his. It had taken days for the med-lab doctors to finish the poking and prodding and leave him alone to think. When they finnally did, he couldn't. Just as he was about to slip off into dreams of Nikita, the doors to his room slipped open and Madeline walked in. She looked at him and smiled. "How are you feeling?" she asked as she walked gracefully around his bed. "I'm fine." He didn't want to play her games right now. "I am ready to leave." "I will decide that." she looked straight into his eyes for a long time then turned away. "When you are ready to talk, tell me. Until then you must stay here." "I don't need to talk.'' he said quietly. "Perhaps it is not me you need to talk with. But I am afraid that Nikita is on a mission. She won't be back for three more days.'' she said, trying to gauge his reaction. "Then I will wait." he whispered. "Goodnight Micheal" she turned around and walked through the doors without a glance back. A few minutes later, Micheal stood up and ripped his IV out of his arm and walked out of med-lab. Nikita fell back into the mobile-com van exhausted. Birkoff was still typing into his computer as the rest of the weary team filed into the van behind her. A few seconds later the van rocked as the explosives they set went off. She looked at the driver and told him to go. She wanted desperately to get back to Section. She was worried about Micheal. She had been sent on this mission to get her away from him, that much she was sure of. When she got back she was heading towards med-lab when Operations came around the corner. "You have to debrief.'' he growled. Nikita turned reluctantly to follow him casting a glance towand Micheal's room. She would have to wait. Debriefing took unusually long, and Nikita suspected there was a reason, but she didn't push. When she was let out, she turned to head back to med-lab when she noticed light peaking out from under the door of Micheal's office. She quickly walked over and walked in. Micheal was sitting there staring at his computer. He glanced up at her and smiled. Well, at least it looked like a smile, in terms of Micheal smiles. ''Why are you out of med-lab?'' she asked as she sauntered over to his desk and perched there. ''I had work to finish'' he said quietly and looked back at his computer, typing something. For a second, Nikita thought that the old Micheal was back, and she felt like he had just dismissed her. She looked down at the ground and stood up, when she looked up again, he was staring at her. Like he wanted to memorize her. He shut off his computer and stood up with her. He walked around his desk and to her until there was only a whisper of air left between them and she could feel his breath on her lips. ''Would you like to join me for dinner tonight?'' he asked as he ran his fingers down her arms making her shiver. ''I would love to'' she said, slightly breathless from his nearness, as he thread his fingers through hers. Without a sound, he stepped back and lead her by the hand out of his office and out of Section. The trainees turned and stared at them, but they didn't notice. They were taking turns staring at each other. As they walked along the streets Nikita started to seriously regret not taking her jacket with her. It was freezing! When she had told Micheal she wanted to walk, she was somehow expecting someplace closer. Not three miles away. Just when she was about to drop a hint about maybe taking a cab the rest of the way, Micheal stopped in front of a door and opened it. She smiled gratefully and walked into the warmth of the building. Since they had left his office, he had made no attempts to touch her and she was beginning to think that she had imagined the feeling she got whenever he stood close. But that thought vanished when he lead her to a table in the nearly crowdless restaurant, wrapping his arm around her and pulling her close. She placed her purse down but when she made a move to sit, he stopped her, instead taking her hand and leading her to the makeshift dancefloor set up near their table. Their bodies fit perfectly as they swayed to the soft music. Nikita layed her head on his chest and listened to his steady heartbeat. "Do you like it here?'' he whispered softly in her ear. The tone of his voice made her shiver. She lifted her head from his chest and looked into his eyes. "I love it'' she whispered and she stood on her toes to kiss him softly before walking back to their table. He looked at her questioningly as she picked up her purse and took his hand. ''Take me home, Micheal'' her tone betraying her intentions. When they arrived at her appartment, Nikita quietly resumed their dance, threading her fingers through his hair and pulling his mouth down to meet hers. Things quickly got more urgent and Nikita pulled away from him reluctantly. She grasped his hand in hers and lead him to her bed room. The next morning Micheal awoke early, and was unable to go back to sleep. Instead, he focused his attention on Nikita. Her head was facing his and she was asleep. As he watched her he gently stroked her blond hair out of her eyes. He wished he could stay with her, but he knew it wouldn't work. Micheal slipped out of bed as quietly as he could, trying not to wake her. He pulled on his clothes, trying to draw out his last moment with her like this, hoping she would wake up and tell him not to go, but she didn't wake up. He could almost hear his heart shattering within his chest. He wanted to be with her so much it hurt, but he couldn't hurt her, and he knew his love would bring her only pain and death. He wouldn't be able to live with that knowing that his love couldn't be returned. He looked back at her one last time and cried. He hoped she would find someone who could love her like she loved. He sighed once, then turned and walked out of the door. Nikita rolled over in her sleep, reaching for him. When she realized he wasn't there she sat up. She could tell he had been here, but he had left. She suddenly felt alone and abandoned. She got up, wrapping the thin sheet around her, and walked down the stairs to her kitchen. There, on her counter, was a single rose and a note. Her name was neatly scrawled on the front in Micheal's unmistakeable handwriting. She opened it quickly scanning the letter he had written her. Tears poured down her face as she read it a second and third time, as if to make sure she wan't mistaken, then she ran to her bedroom, discarding the sheet and throwing on some clothes and running out the door. Micheal stood at the top of the bridge overlooking the river. He had been standing there for 30 minutes, sorting out final thoughts. He looked over the edge of the railing into the rapids below. At least this way, he couldn't hurt the ones he loved anymore. He took a step forward and was about to climb up on the rail when he heard the last voice he expected to hear. ''Micheal stop'' Nikita yelled. He turned slowly to face her. ''Leave Nikita, I don't want you to watch'' he said forcefully. He turned back to the rail. He stepped toward the edge. ''I love you!'' Micheal paused mid-step, stunned at what Nikita had said. Then he continued toward the rail. "Please don't do this!'' she screamed, tears streaming down her face. She ran up next him, trying to look in his eyes and make him see her love. He was one step away from taking his life and her heart and she wasn't about to just stand there. But when her turned to face her one last time, she saw that he had shut himself off to her pleas. She knew she had to do something, because she wasn't strong enough to stop him by force. With tears still streaming down her face she stepped up beside him, taking the same postion as him "Fine, if you are taking the easy way out, so am I. We go together." She thought she heard a sound almost like a moan. She looked over at him again and saw tears streaming down his face mirroring the ones she had shed for him. Then she did something she hadn't done in years. She thanked God. He looked back at the water and started backing away from it, as if afraid. His frantic eyes searched hers. He grabbed her and pulled her quickly away from the side of the bridge. "Why?" he whispered hoarsely. ''Because I love you!'' she laughed. She had thought he would have figured that out long ago. When she looked back into his eyes, she could see the doubt he held in them. She mentally slapped herself on the head, wishing she had seen it earlier. He had long ago stopped believing that anyone could care about him. "I love you, Micheal, more than I ever thought possible'' she whispered. She placed her hands on either side of his face and kissed him softly on the lips. She pressed her cheek to his, mixing their tears together, then gathered him as close as she could, wrapping her arms around him as he sobbed. She wasn't sure when she started crying with him, but soon it was him that was trying to comfort her. "Why are you crying?" he asked as he pulled away from the death grip she had around his neck and wiping the tears away with his fingers. "I almost lost you'' she whispered as the tears continued. ''You'll never lose me. I'll always be here with you. I promise.'' he kissed her as if to seal the vow he made. As wind whispered past the couple on the beach, the priest performed a quiet ceremony, attended only by his wife and a flock of seagulls soaring overhead. When it was over, they kissed tenderly, then, thanking the priest for his discretion, they walked slowly down the beach, hand in hand, laughing with each other and holding onto the other like if they let go they would drown. They watched the sun set as she tried to tame her blond hair in the ocean wind. They walked for hours talking about the future and the past. When all the light had left the sky and the black was thick around them, and they weren't afraid of it as they silently sank to the sand and lay together. They made love like they had no definite tomorrow, and both of them realized that, it was a possible reality, but they cherished that fact that they had this day, and they would cherish each other after that with the same love as the one before. THE END