Waiting For A Dream

Dyana walked with quick steps toward the third bench from the park entrance and sat down. They had agreed to meet here and she was ten minutes late on purpose.

She looked around, looking for someone she hoped was already there. In the distance children played in the snow, happy as they can only be on the morning of Christmas Eve, throwing snowballs at each other and making fat snowmen. Of him, there was no trace.

It was cold and as she sat rubbing her gloved hands, she could see her breath condensing into small, pretty clouds. Winter was always cold in Quebec, and she could think of better ways to spend her Christmas.

Dyana shook her head. Getting angry required strength she didn't have right now. Right now she was just tired. Tired of fighting to keep something that didn't belong to her and could never belong to her. Tired of believing she was close to her aim and then crashing back to reality.

Like on the night of last New Year's Day, when he let her read the intensity of desire in his gaze and then proceeded to dance at length with another, as though to show her that he could have anybody he wanted. As if she hadn't been aware of that from day one.

Dyana knew he was sincere when he said he needed her, but Roy no longer knew how to love nor if he even wanted to love again.

Celine had done this to him by abandoning him after seven years of cohabitation without bothering to explain why. She simply disappeared one morning, accepting a job offer miles away.

Celine and Roy had loved each other very much. Dyana could see it in the photos hidden in a drawer in his home. The frames they previously occupied had not been set aside though they remained empty. She wasn't sure if the pictures would ever be replaced. Like the space Roy had reserved for Celine in his heart.

Yet he had been with her for one year. Was it possible that during all this time he had been thinking of somebody else, that she had left no impression on him? Was it?

The thought made her feel cheated. Had she wasted one year, one entire year with him, only to have to return him to Celine?

From what she knew, they were two very similar people: same interests, same friends, same dangerous tendency to keep things under control.

The difference was that Celine had always known that for just one of her smiles, Roy would hand her the moon on a silver platter. When she realized that she had the same feelings for him, she became afraid and ran. This was what she confessed to Roy when she came back looking for him one month ago.

Dyana believed her. She couldn't imagine anybody being loved by him and being able to stay indifferent. It was certainly not because Roy was a romantic man. She supposed he could be if he wanted to, but he never showed her that side of him. He was cynical and disenchanted, yet there was a charm about him, a certain something which people were attracted to.

Maybe it was the way he could look at you and make you feel like you were the centre of the universe. He was good at understanding other people's psyche and it made her wonder if sometimes it wasn't just a game to him, like most things. After Celine left him, he would often drink and would bed a new woman every night. Dyana knew this because people talked, and because she had witnessed it herself.

From the first moment they met, Dyana had been aware of his intense dislike for attachments of any kind. Besides the appeal of his flawless physical appearance, she had seen nothing in him which could justify the effect he had on the female species.

It was beyond her how women could seek him out so passionately when he treated them like dirt. Or at least it had been.

She hadn't wanted to learn boxing, if he hadn't been her instructor, she wouldn't be here now with a broken heart. Funny how the most casual choice or meaningless coincidence can turn your life around.

She would probably be enjoying Christmas Eve with her family, or buying gifts with Patty as she did every year, rather than being surrounded by snow as she sat mumbling and reminiscing about a selfish jerk. Ah! Insulting him felt good even as she remembered the way he looked clad in his combat gear.

From experience she knew that strong physical attraction was seldom accompanied by strong affinity at a personal level. She had not had any intention of deepening their relationship beyond the teacher-trainee status, but things hadn't gone as she wanted or expected. In fact, they had went as far from that as they could.

Later, she would joke with herself about it. It was as if the Universe itself had been plotting to get them together. Entering a Nature bar one morning, Dyana practically fell over Roy. He helped her up and after they finished laughing, he offered her a coffee. She accepted and they went on to talk at length with each other.

At first, she had been surprised that they had anything in common and that they could chat so easily despite being so different. It came up that they were both interested in watching ''The Sixth Sense'' so they agreed to see it together.

Although she knew she was beautiful, Roy had never made her feel like he found her attractive. It had reassured her as she was going out with someone else, namely Jim.

She had told Roy about her boyfriend once. He had not seemed very interested, but days later he asked her point blank if she loved him. Dyana told him that she didn't know yet, a little taken aback at not having considered it herself.

Then he kissed her for the first time. His lips had felt soft upon hers and then hot, almost too hot, hot enough to be suffocating, as his tongue slipped inside her mouth. Unlike anything she had ever felt before in her life. When he moved his lips from hers, her head had followed him by instinct. They had been standing before her threshold and parting from her he told her, ''Think harder.''

Strange, disrespectful thing to say in that situation, but she had not been able to avert her eyes from his all the same nor give him the answer he seemed to be expecting. She had only been able to invite him to come in for a coffee.

Of course, coffee had been the last thing on her mind as one of his hands rested on her back while the other one rhythmically caressed her shoulder blades and her spine. She had never known that one kiss could set your body tingling or that one caress could make your skin feel like butter, before then.

He had smiled at her invitation, his pale green eyes lighting up mischievously and his mouth crooked in that expression he had, she would learn later, whenever he was looking forward to something really tasty.

Once they entered, he sat on her couch and waited while she tried to forget him and focus on the damned coffee she needed to make. Roy had looked perfectly at ease there, as if he belonged on that place on her couch for eternity.

He had made some comment about her home and asked curiously about the photos on display, all so naturally that Dyana later wondered more than once if she had not dreamed it all.

Leaving her confused and feeling guilty for forgetting her boyfriend and unable to sleep because her heart beat too fast. In the following days, having received no attention from him, she obstinately tried to block him, and his kiss, out of her mind pretending that it didn't matter.

Sleep seemed to elude her and the last illusion of having forgotten about him was shattered by a dream where they were together and which she awoke from with her heart in her lungs. Dyana had gotten up, repulsed by the very idea of staying in that treacherous bed where the intimacy of her thoughts had been violated.

She could clearly remember the physical fatigue she had felt as she calmed her breathing and the time she had nervously read on her alarm clock. 06:30. It was a Sunday.

The water was boiling when her doorbell shrilled. It had surprised her at such an hour, but not so much since her neighbor Mick had this weird habit of stopping by at the strangest hours to ask for favors. The man was always short of something, whether it was sugar or condoms.

It wasn't Mick at the door that morning. It was Roy she saw through her peephole. Hellish timing, come to think of it.

Before she opened the door for him, Dyana had made sure to assemble some level of control on her emotions. The next thing she knew, he was offering her a bag of croissants.

''I thought we could have breakfast together, if you'd like.'' Such polite words to justify a purpose that was from polite.

She had wanted to slam the door on that indifferent, arrogant face of his or to slap it until it bled. Instead, she had pretended nonchalance and imposed one condition.

Even then, Dyana had smiled and complimented herself on her show of indifference as she talked with him about tea and about nothing at all. She had felt a little shame, fully aware of the complete disarray of her red hair and the immodesty of her apricot pajamas.

Dyana had been pouring the tea into two cups when she perceived Roy's breath on her ear. She had not felt him coming closer before she found him there, touching her wild mane and using his hands to venture into places he shouldn't . While a weak voice inside her head had repeatedly told her that she should feel offended by his boldness, every fiber of her body had felt an electrical discharge too strong and entirely too pleasant for her to refuse him. She had waited all her life to feel this way about somebody.

Helping him undress, she guided him toward her bedroom. Despite the short distance between the two rooms, it had been a long journey , neither of them being patient enough to keep their hands and lips off each other.

Lunch time had found them still in bed. She watched him as he lay on his side, observing her with a gaze which made her feel more than beautiful, more than happy.

Afterwards, distracted by the kisses he was showering upon her like blessings; on her forehead, on her eyelids, on her chin, she almost did not hear his next question, "Which would be?"

Dyana had not wanted to give him so soon nor so easily the words he desired. They were supposed to be a gift to be received, not asked for. But feeling his lips descending on her breasts and then moving downward and hesitating on her tummy, there had simply been no other sound she could emit.

The meaning of those words hadn't become any less true with the passing days and weeks. If it were possible, she had only learned to love him more.

Even dragging him with her on a shopping trip, cooking for him, and going for a walk with him infused her with inexplicable good humor. Maybe it was why it hurt so much to be in his house and why she couldn't get the notion that it was where they had lived, laughed, and slept out of her head.

Roy handled her bouts of jealousy without quite resolving anything, without ever admitting the only truth which would put an end to their problems, to her insecurity.

Yet, Dyana had been sure that at the right moment, Roy would be ready to say he loved her, just as she had found she was ready to say she loved him. So she had waited and while waiting, had taken what was freely offered.

To think that Patty had warned her and Patty had experience in these matters. She was always seeking comfort because of a recent breakup.

Even Jim had warned her. Dyana had been sincere in explaining the reasons why she needed to end their relationship. He had not provoked a fight and had been exceptionally collected as he dismissed her with a few words.

"I suppose I should be angry, but really I should be more sorry for you. He can't give you what you're looking for. He will only hurt you. There's no need for me to add to the pain."

The bitterness Jim's words had held then was much like the bitterness she was feeling now. Losing somebody you love for somebody who can't make them happy and knowing that you would have.

Now, Dyana could no longer justify to herself why the hell she had wanted to go ahead with the relationship notwithstanding everything. No, that was a lie.

She had done it because she had believed in him, had wanted to believe in him. Roy had never made her unhappy. Quite the opposite, she had never found in herself a greater beauty than that which she saw through his eyes. It was the weight of the unsaid which poisoned her serenity. Thus, killing it.

But, and it was the reason she had waited for him, there had always been a gesture which revived her hope that he loved her, if in silence.

Like in the evenings, when he would lay his head on her lap as they watched TV on the couch. Or like his bringing her to a special place just to make her smile. Or like the projects they made together. For their future. Or... too many images too often evoked came to her mind, and they had to be banished or Dyana wouldn't be able to go through with what she had decided.

Roy wasn't coming. Therefore, he didn't love her. It was as simple as that despite the various complications of their history.

Celine had proven that to her. Waltzing back into His life, that woman had managed to shatter every illusion of progress Dyana had cherished.

Since they frequented the same places, they inevitably bumped into each other quite often. Roy's attitude had been clear. His voice, his looks, his measured gestures had all hinted at discreet seduction. Dyana would have given anything to know him less well than she did, so that she would be able to convince herself that He wasn't looking at Celine the same way he looked at her when he wanted to convey his desire.

Celine had long feigned indifference, waiting for Roy to fully digest her return before confessing the reasons behind her departure, her immutable love for him, and her certainty that nothing was different between them.

Ironically, Celine had even had the gall to ask for Dyana's approval before her final talk with Roy about their relationship. That talk was supposed to have taken place today.

Dyana still had some difficulty admitting that she had actually consented to Celine's plans. The fact that Roy had never lied about her rival had strengthened her resolve.

The fact was, if Roy didn't arrive for their meeting on time, their relationship would be over, no matter what. It was the first ultimatum she had ever given him and it would probably be the last.

Her legs felt heavy, too heavy, and Dyana considered sitting there for a few more minutes. Only until she didn't feel so tired, so...defeated. After all, it wasn't like he would come by and see her in that state. He wasn't coming.

Roy didn't deserve the power to make her feel so depressed. Even if he had gotten over his past with Celine, even if he had chosen her, would it have changed the fact that he didn't love her?

If he had loved her, he wouldn't have left her there, knowing the heartache he was causing her. If he had loved her, he would have said the words.

Once the desire dimmed, the conclusion would still have been one and the same. The only difference being that they would have ended up hating each other until death. Dyana wouldn't permit that.

She needed to be with someone who loved her, someone who would give her the chance to build a family together along with the feeling of belonging she had longed for so much as a child after her mother left her with her grandparents.

It was too bad that Roy had never loved her. He could have made it so perfect for her. He would have answered every unanswered question and filled every empty space inside her, and she would have done the same for him if only he had let her.

Maxx had lover her deeply and still did. He had told her as much when they bumped into each other at the bookshop the week before. He had read the sadness in her face, had understood it, and had promised to wait for her.

Perhaps with time, she would be able to revive the love she and Jim had once shared. An affection less absolute, more relaxing when compared with the feelings she had for Roy. More relaxing! It was indeed a funny way to describe it.

Finally, she felt ready to walk again. It was time to go home, pull down the blinds, and lie in bed. In the darkness, she would find the courage to cry. After her tears ran out, she would give in to exhaustion and sleep. Tomorrow would mark the beginning of a new existence. One without Roy Dupuis.

As she walked, she felt as though she was advancing in an astral dimension. It was as if her soul and mind had unwittingly separated from her body. Her legs proceeded of their own volition.

He was too late for anything and as much as she would have wanted to appear calm and collected, she was unable to approach him with anything but hatred. His ridiculous excuses no longer interested her.

" Let me go! Get your hands off me immediately! We are over ! " she mumbled through clenched teeth as she tried to break free from his hold, but her efforts only seemed to encourage him to hold her closer, tightly pressed against his chest, and he succeeded although she fought him with all her rage.

She hated the delicious shiver stirred up by the hushed way he spoke into her ear. She could feel it right down to her bones and it sickened her.

"I already talked with Celine!" he cut her off. Through the tension of his stance, she could sense his frustration catching up with hers as it radiated off him. His grip on her arms tightened as he distanced her body from his.

She sounded perky. She could feel her anger fueling her every thought, inflaming every nerve ending in her body, permeating her whole being and becoming one with her grief, one with her.

It wasn't the words themselves which halted the flood of insults burning in her throat, but the flash of... hell, she couldn't tell what, there was something dark and furious in his eyes. They always gave him away, whether he wanted her, was angry with her, or was sorry for some careless thing he had done which had ended up hurting her. But she couldn't tell if it was his displeasure over losing Celine again or her sarcasm which had caused him to snap.

"Just let me go," Dyana repeated sternly. Surprisingly, he acquiesced somewhat by releasing one of her arms, while he used the other to drag her back to their bench. She let him do it. Anything to get way from his heat.

They sat down together and neither the frown marring Dyana's face nor her loud snort of irritation escaped Roy. She could be a pain if she wanted to and he knew that she wouldn't be easy on him, not by a long shot, and he deserved it. Never before had his behavior toward her looked more foolish in his eyes. Had he hoped that by not letting her know how important she was to him, he would be able to keep her by his side longer? Only because Celine had run from his gentleness?

"Then get it over with, so we can both be happy. And while you're at it, try to cut the crap and to get straight to the point. "

She didn't look at him anymore and he didn't like it. The distance between them was extremely frustrating; but even more than that, it was painful. It wasn't easy for him to talk with her. He wasn't one for fancy speeches, but somehow the need to reach her overrode his defective capacity to communicate.

"Celine and I have talked. She thought I wanted to come back to her. As a matter of fact, I did what I could to convince her of that. I believed that... if I heard the words I had once hoped to hear from her, it would take away all the resentment, all the anxiety I felt inside, that I would conquer them. But the more time I spent with her, the more I wanted to be with you. I can't even imagine waking up in the morning without you wrapped in my sheets or wandering around my kitchen, nor do I want it to happen."

It was probably the most he had ever shared with her of his thoughts and feelings in one stretch and while it should have pleased her, she was left feeling angry and insulted instead.

Angry that it was always about him, angry that he was always the one to establish the pace of this...this twisted excuse for a relationship. Her reply rushed out of her mouth, cutting and harsh; anxious as she felt in that moment, lost in a sea of fury and betrayal:

"It's funny how you make it seem like it's completely about you, Roy. You think you could want Celine, so you bide your time. You choose me, so you come here ready to reveal your inner torment. It's awfully nice of you, but where's my choice in all this? Hearts do break, and pain doesn't just go away because you come back to your senses and realize you were wrong. If you had told me this two months--- hell, two weeks ago, I would have kissed the living daylights out of you, but now...now it seems like just another bone you throw me to keep me content. It's not enough anymore. It's not what I want."

She heard her voice breaking and felt the tears, long dried and bottled up inside her, make their way up to her eyes. Dyana hated herself for being so weak, so vulnerable to him, for truly wanting only to be important to him.

"I know I made mistakes with you, but I also know that I can remedy them. What's between us is as real as you and me. It isn't a dream. The rest, we can work out."

"That's not the point. I waited so long for you and now I don't want to wait anymore. I'm tired of wondering when you'll pull back or if you're ever going to want to get serious about our relationship. Do you want to do me a favor? Leave me alone. Permanently."

The hurt she saw on his face mollified her a little, making her regret that she had unintentionally, no intentionally if she wanted to be honest --- caused him pain. While it was true that whenever he hurt her, she automatically wanted to hurt him back, it was even more true that looking into his eyes made her want to stop all the hurting from either side.

She opened her palm wordlessly and he placed a beautiful, small parcel in her hand. It was wrapped in gold paper and adorned with a tiny red ribbon. She could sense him watching her face as she carefully opened the parcel. Inside was a smaller velvet box. Surely it wasn't...it couldn't be...

She couldn't come up with anything else to say and the subtle amusement in his answer echoed in her mind as she prayed to God that this meant what she thought it did because she was going to snap his neck in two otherwise.

"I see," Dyana whispered as a stubborn tear slid down her cheek. She felt him brush a kiss, light and soft as a feather's touch, on her cheek just a moment before he sighed.

"I love you. I never meant to hurt you and if I could, I would take everything back. I can't live without you." His arm was wrapped around her shoulders and Dyana watched as Roy, her Roy, put his ring on her left ring finger.

It was as perfect as she had dreamed it would be and even more so. Then he asked her the one question that could bury the past behind them forever.

Dyana and Roy wouldn't remember clearly years later if he had initiated the embrace by enveloping her in a bear hug or if she had done so by nestling herself in his arms, so they compromised by defining their embrace as a mutual act.

Even back then, they had known that it didn't happen everyday that one was lucky enough to find someone they could value as much as they valued each other and that they therefore had an obligation to hold on to their love.

Because there are things that although found accidentally or unwillingly cannot be forgotten or cancelled or denied because they are indissolubly ours.

Things that are the Soul of the World. Things that once were the engine and the flicker of Life and that we can never refer to by their true names because they are not little enough for our mouths.