A New Path

Nikita entered the briefing and glanced quickly around, her gaze settling on Michael before she walked over and pulled out the seat next to him and sat down. Operations and Madeline had not yet arrivedd. Neither had any of the other operatives. She studied Michael’s profile a moment. He looked better than he had in weeks but there were still telltale signs that he was not yet his usual self. "How are you feeling?” she asked.

Michael remained silent as he stared at the table before them. It was enough to confirm to Nikita that he was still feeling the loss of his mission family. She reached over and touched his arm briefly before settling back in her chair and waited in silence beside him for the briefing to begin.

Among other things the end of the Vachek mission had opened up a new level of understanding between them. She knew now why Michael had been silent on so many occasions in the past when she had tried to get him to open up. Hindsight didn’t lessen the pain she’d felt then but at least she understood his actions a little more now. As for her feelings toward Michael… that was still up in the air.

Quite honestly she didn’t know what she felt anymore, or if she ever again wanted to feel anything for anyone. Maybe Michael had the right answer all along when he said that he lived his life split in two, Nikita mused. Perhaps that was the only way to survive in Section was to separate all your emotions, everything that you could consider personal, and lock it away deep inside so that no one could reach it. Then you’d be safe from pain and weakness… You’d be strong because you wouldn’t allow yourself to feel anything.

That was how Michael had done it, how he had survived. And then she had come along and tried to force him to feel. She’d deliberately taunted him, teased and pushed at him till he reacted. She’d accused him of being Section’s little robot but now she understood only too well that he had only been trying to survive.

It saddened her to think that he’d had to live like that. And it worried her to think that if she wanted to survive in Section she too would have to resort to doing what Michael had. Could she do it? Could she disconnect herself from her emotions?

She’d given it a lot of thought over the past few days, coupled with the realization of the depths that Section would go to in order to obtain its endgame, and she came to the conclusion that unless she was willing to endure the pain that would come with trying to carry on a relationship inside of Section it was best to not even try.

She cared deeply for Michael, possibly even loved him, but could she endure having him ordered to be with other women? How had Simone endured it?

She’d had a hard enough time in the past when he was ordered to seduce targets, but the Vachek mission… being asked to actually marry someone and have a child with them.

Nikita shuddered to think what other scenarios Section could possibly come up with. Surely they had realized from the beginning the psychological and emotional strain this would place on Michael and yet they’d asked him to do it anyway.

She thought of Elena, the years that Michael had spent being married to her, and realized again just how naïve she had been about life in Section. No wonder Michael had acted as he did toward her, he’d been trying to protect her again by teaching her that emotions had no place in this world they lived in.

Did he love Elena, she wondered? Elena had given him a son, they’d shared a life together for nearly five years. How could he not have loved her? The pain he was going through now Nikita was certain, was born out of losing both, his son and wife. And if Michael, who had tried to warn her countless times about the dangers of becoming emotionally attached to someone, if he had been unable to follow his own warning and was paying for it now… how much worse would she be if she allowed herself to care for someone in Section?

Nikita shook her head slightly. She couldn’t do it. She didn’t want anything to do with love if Michael’s pain was any indication of what it would cost her. She wasn’t as strong as he was… and God forbid if they ever asked her to bear a child for someone.

She was relieved when she heard footsteps approaching and looked up to see Birkoff and two other operatives take seats at the table. Operations followed a few feet behind.

When the briefing was over and she stood to leave, Nikita heard Michael say her name. She stopped and turned to look at him. “Yes, Michael?”

He met her gaze only briefly before looking away and he waited till the others were outside of hearing distance. “I wanted to thank you,” he said, his voice quiet. Emotionless.

She didn’t have to ask him to know that he was referring to. They’d gone out for coffee a few nights ago, and though he hadn’t said much, she’d had the feeling that just her being there had helped him in some small way. Giving him a smile she said, “You’re welcome.”

His gaze turned back to her, searching, and Nikita saw in their green depths how lost he still felt. What he needed right now, she realized, was a friend. She could live with that, Nikita decided. Friendship was much safer than any deeper emotion and she was willing to offer that much. “We’d better get ready,” she said, referring to the upcoming mission.

After a moment Michael gave a slight nod, the two of them coming to an unspoken understanding, before they turned and walked out of the briefing room together.


	A New Path By: Kyara Caledonii Copyright July 17, 1999 Nikita entered the briefing and glanced quickly around, her gaze settling on Michael before she walked over and pulled out the seat next to him and sat down. Operations and Madeline had not yet arrivedd. Neither had any of the other operatives. She studied Michael’s profile a moment. He looked better than he had in weeks but there were still telltale signs that he was not yet his usual self. "How are you feeling?” she asked. Michael remained silent as he stared at the table before them. It was enough to confirm to Nikita that he was still feeling the loss of his mission family. She reached over and touched his arm briefly before settling back in her chair and waited in silence beside him for the briefing to begin. Among other things the end of the Vachek mission had opened up a new level of understanding between them. She knew now why Michael had been silent on so many occasions in the past when she had tried to get him to open up. Hindsight didn’t lessen the pain she’d felt then but at least she understood his actions a little more now. As for her feelings toward Michael… that was still up in the air. Quite honestly she didn’t know what she felt anymore, or if she ever again wanted to feel anything for anyone. Maybe Michael had the right answer all along when he said that he lived his life split in two, Nikita mused. Perhaps that was the only way to survive in Section was to separate all your emotions, everything that you could consider personal, and lock it away deep inside so that no one could reach it. Then you’d be safe from pain and weakness… You’d be strong because you wouldn’t allow yourself to feel anything. That was how Michael had done it, how he had survived. And then she had come along and tried to force him to feel. She’d deliberately taunted him, teased and pushed at him till he reacted. She’d accused him of being Section’s little robot but now she understood only too well that he had only been trying to survive. It saddened her to think that he’d had to live like that. And it worried her to think that if she wanted to survive in Section she too would have to resort to doing what Michael had. Could she do it? Could she disconnect herself from her emotions? She’d given it a lot of thought over the past few days, coupled with the realization of the depths that Section would go to in order to obtain its endgame, and she came to the conclusion that unless she was willing to endure the pain that would come with trying to carry on a relationship inside of Section it was best to not even try. She cared deeply for Michael, possibly even loved him, but could she endure having him ordered to be with other women? How had Simone endured it? She’d had a hard enough time in the past when he was ordered to seduce targets, but the Vachek mission… being asked to actually marry someone and have a child with them. Nikita shuddered to think what other scenarios Section could possibly come up with. Surely they had realized from the beginning the psychological and emotional strain this would place on Michael and yet they’d asked him to do it anyway. Nikita took a deep breath, her eyes closing. Section would stop at nothing. She thought of Elena, the years that Michael had spent being married to her, and realized again just how naïve she had been about life in Section. No wonder Michael had acted as he did toward her, he’d been trying to protect her again by teaching her that emotions had no place in this world they lived in. Did he love Elena, she wondered? Elena had given him a son, they’d shared a life together for nearly five years. How could he not have loved her? The pain he was going through now Nikita was certain, was born out of losing both, his son and wife. And if Michael, who had tried to warn her countless times about the dangers of becoming emotionally attached to someone, if he had been unable to follow his own warning and was paying for it now… how much worse would she be if she allowed herself to care for someone in Section? Nikita shook her head slightly. She couldn’t do it. She didn’t want anything to do with love if Michael’s pain was any indication of what it would cost her. She wasn’t as strong as he was… and God forbid if they ever asked her to bear a child for someone. She was relieved when she heard footsteps approaching and looked up to see Birkoff and two other operatives take seats at the table. Operations followed a few feet behind. When the briefing was over and she stood to leave, Nikita heard Michael say her name. She stopped and turned to look at him. “Yes, Michael?” He met her gaze only briefly before looking away and he waited till the others were outside of hearing distance. “I wanted to thank you,” he said, his voice quiet. Emotionless. She didn’t have to ask him to know that he was referring to. They’d gone out for coffee a few nights ago, and though he hadn’t said much, she’d had the feeling that just her being there had helped him in some small way. Giving him a smile she said, “You’re welcome.” His gaze turned back to her, searching, and Nikita saw in their green depths how lost he still felt. What he needed right now, she realized, was a friend. She could live with that, Nikita decided. Friendship was much safer than any deeper emotion and she was willing to offer that much. “We’d better get ready,” she said, referring to the upcoming mission. After a moment Michael gave a slight nod, the two of them coming to an unspoken understanding, before they turned and walked out of the briefing room together.