Blood Tears

Blood Tears

By: Kyara Caledonii

Copyright September 13, 2000

Foreword : The feature song "Tears never dry" is from Stephen Simmonds.

***************************

Nothing but your memory

Sorrow and grief

In the air that I breathe

So much pain that I can't hide

I wanna try

But the tears never dry

All I see is blood.

I'm walking through the woods and time no longer matters. My brain can't register whether it's day or night. My legs are moving mechanically. I live so I walk. But all my thoughts are blocked. All but one. She never loved me.

I smell blood.

It's familiar, nearly comforting in an awkward way. It's usually mixed with the scent of gun powder. But not this time. I can feel the gun hanging at my hip. Maybe I should get rid of it. There's no reason to keep it. I'm not trying to escape. Not alone. Why should I fight the ones who might come after me? Oh, a question. I'm thinking rationally again. I can't run away from pain any longer.

I can taste my own blood on my lips.

I stop and take the time to wipe my mouth with the tip of my fingers. I can barely see my hands. It's night and the moon is high in the sky. I remember another moon, another night full of desperation and longing.

"I thought I had lost you", I said and she answered "You never had me". Only now do I understand the full meaning of those words. I was a fool to believe she was ever mine. She always was as elusive as a moon ray, constantly taking a step back when I got too close. I had done the same thing for so long I just thought she was making me pay for it all these years. Did I really imagine everything? Her sighs, her moans... I'm a Valentine operative I know these things, I know how to fake them and who does. But it doesn't matter in the end if I gave her pleasure or not. Because even if I did she said she didn't return my feelings.

Now that I know why I exist

How can I go on without you?

You left me here without a clue

I can't say with words how much I miss

I wish there was something I could do

If I could turn back time you know I would

I wish I could deny this, refuse to believe her last words to me. But I can't. Sure, she deceived me for so long, what's another lie? But when I looked in her eyes I couldn't find the Nikita I fell in love with. She didn't save me because she loved me. She did because of her guilt. Because she can't justify her behaviour if I die. Madeline's death already shook her, she doesn't want my blood on her pretty hands. But my blood was shed nevertheless. And it doesn't matter that my hand held the knife, it was her intent that sliced my skin. And this wound won't heal. I won't let it. It will serve as a reminder. A permanent reminder of a love I dared believe in and of the woman who brought me back from the dead and warmed me when noone else could.

Nietzsche said "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" and I lived by these words for longer than I wished to. Now what? I don't think Section or Center will come and get me, she'll cover my tracks or rather hers. She'll hide the proofs of her only flaw. She was my downfall and it's only fair that I could become hers. But I'm not out for revenge. I don't regret falling in love with Nikita. I wouldn't have survived for so long without her. Being cancelled for loving her was the most honourable death I could hope for in Section. I don't care if it was all a lie. It was true for me.

I cry tears of blood because the Nikita I love is dead and because I'm alive. I don't want to live anymore but I will. I'm going to stay alive to be the living proof of who she used to be. There should be someone left on this earth to mourn her. She deserves it. She was innocence and fire, spirited and childish, stubborn and caring. And each of her smiles was dear to my heart.

My body is begging for rest so I sit next to a tree, but my mind is still reeling. I don't want to fall asleep and dream of her. I could still walk some more but where to? I can't try and find Adam. Now Section thinks I'm dead he's finally safe, as are Elena and my sister. I have noone to go to and no matter where I'll go, every city will be empty of her, everything will taste of her absence.

I hope she finds what she's looking for. I doubt she realises yet the magnitude of her betrayal. Not towards me but herself. Saving the world doesn't come with any reward. Noone will be there to be grateful and even if loneliness is the price she's willing to pay for making the world a better place, there will be no children to thank her for it. It's a lonely path. I should know, I walked alone for so long before Nikita entered my life. She showed me another way but couldn't find that road for herself. I wish I could have made her understand...

And on the final day

There won't be no more words to say

Love is the way

Don't you know that love is the way

So I cry for her too. For the woman she became. For the part I played along with Section in her transformation. I'm beyond anger, there's only sorrow. Part of me would want to believe the Nikita I love isn't truly gone, that she might come back, that this Nikita would love me like I'll always love her.

Oh I want to try but the tears never dry.

THE END


	Blood Tears By: Kyara Caledonii Copyright September 13, 2000 Foreword : The feature song "Tears never dry" is from Stephen Simmonds. ************************* Nothing but your memory Sorrow and grief In the air that I breathe So much pain that I can't hide I wanna try But the tears never dry All I see is blood. I'm walking through the woods and time no longer matters. My brain can't register whether it's day or night. My legs are moving mechanically. I live so I walk. But all my thoughts are blocked. All but one. She never loved me. I smell blood. It's familiar, nearly comforting in an awkward way. It's usually mixed with the scent of gun powder. But not this time. I can feel the gun hanging at my hip. Maybe I should get rid of it. There's no reason to keep it. I'm not trying to escape. Not alone. Why should I fight the ones who might come after me? Oh, a question. I'm thinking rationally again. I can't run away from pain any longer. I can taste my own blood on my lips. I stop and take the time to wipe my mouth with the tip of my fingers. I can barely see my hands. It's night and the moon is high in the sky. I remember another moon, another night full of desperation and longing. "I thought I had lost you", I said and she answered "You never had me". Only now do I understand the full meaning of those words. I was a fool to believe she was ever mine. She always was as elusive as a moon ray, constantly taking a step back when I got too close. I had done the same thing for so long I just thought she was making me pay for it all these years. Did I really imagine everything? Her sighs, her moans... I'm a Valentine operative I know these things, I know how to fake them and who does. But it doesn't matter in the end if I gave her pleasure or not. Because even if I did she said she didn't return my feelings. Now that I know why I exist How can I go on without you? You left me here without a clue I can't say with words how much I miss I wish there was something I could do If I could turn back time you know I would I wish I could deny this, refuse to believe her last words to me. But I can't. Sure, she deceived me for so long, what's another lie? But when I looked in her eyes I couldn't find the Nikita I fell in love with. She didn't save me because she loved me. She did because of her guilt. Because she can't justify her behaviour if I die. Madeline's death already shook her, she doesn't want my blood on her pretty hands. But my blood was shed nevertheless. And it doesn't matter that my hand held the knife, it was her intent that sliced my skin. And this wound won't heal. I won't let it. It will serve as a reminder. A permanent reminder of a love I dared believe in and of the woman who brought me back from the dead and warmed me when noone else could. Nietzsche said "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" and I lived by these words for longer than I wished to. Now what? I don't think Section or Center will come and get me, she'll cover my tracks or rather hers. She'll hide the proofs of her only flaw. She was my downfall and it's only fair that I could become hers. But I'm not out for revenge. I don't regret falling in love with Nikita. I wouldn't have survived for so long without her. Being cancelled for loving her was the most honourable death I could hope for in Section. I don't care if it was all a lie. It was true for me. I cry tears of blood because the Nikita I love is dead and because I'm alive. I don't want to live anymore but I will. I'm going to stay alive to be the living proof of who she used to be. There should be someone left on this earth to mourn her. She deserves it. She was innocence and fire, spirited and childish, stubborn and caring. And each of her smiles was dear to my heart. My body is begging for rest so I sit next to a tree, but my mind is still reeling. I don't want to fall asleep and dream of her. I could still walk some more but where to? I can't try and find Adam. Now Section thinks I'm dead he's finally safe, as are Elena and my sister. I have noone to go to and no matter where I'll go, every city will be empty of her, everything will taste of her absence. I hope she finds what she's looking for. I doubt she realises yet the magnitude of her betrayal. Not towards me but herself. Saving the world doesn't come with any reward. Noone will be there to be grateful and even if loneliness is the price she's willing to pay for making the world a better place, there will be no children to thank her for it. It's a lonely path. I should know, I walked alone for so long before Nikita entered my life. She showed me another way but couldn't find that road for herself. I wish I could have made her understand... And on the final day There won't be no more words to say Love is the way Don't you know that love is the way So I cry for her too. For the woman she became. For the part I played along with Section in her transformation. I'm beyond anger, there's only sorrow. Part of me would want to believe the Nikita I love isn't truly gone, that she might come back, that this Nikita would love me like I'll always love her. Oh I want to try but the tears never dry. THE END**